How to get buy-in from your guests

Last year, I attended a back-to-school night for my daughter’s kindergarten. There was the inevitable slightly awkward energy in the cafeteria as parents milled around finding the one other person they might have met before. But within a few minutes, an administrator stood on the stairs and welcomed everyone, “Welcome to our favorite night of the year! On your tables, there are some get-to-know-you questions.” We saw white paper strips with print on them. Some people looked excited. Others, skeptical. Isn’t this a bit forced? And then, with a twinkle in her eye, the administrator said, “The questions were written by your children to help you all connect. And they wanted me to tell you to meet at least three new people.”

It was a brilliant move. We weren’t doing it for her. Heck, we weren’t even doing it for ourselves. She deftly reminded us why (and for whom) we were there in the first place.

A parent, who had been standing next to me but quiet, turned and said, “Well, I guess we gotta do this!” He picked up one of the cut-out strips, and read it aloud: “What is your favorite animal? And what sound does it make?” Before I knew it, he was declaring his love of pandas, and making a strange sound. We both started laughing. My turn: “What is your favorite food? What makes you vomit?” People were comparing questions, and laughing. The administrator practiced one of the crucial tenets of artful gathering: she got buy-in.

This spring, the most common question I got from our digital course students was how do you get buy-in for your gathering?

First, what exactly is buy-in? I think of buy-in as the creative, relational, and iterative process of getting your guests to accept your gathering’s purpose as legitimate and feel genuinely excited to help fulfill it. And, it is a learnable skill.

5 commandments to get buy-in:

1. Gather around a shared relevant need.

Getting buy-in isn’t a trick. It starts by asking: What is an actual need that I see in my life or community, and are there others that share it too? When Katie Riley, a former Art of Gathering student, tweeted: “Anyone want to join me for an Updating My Website Party where we hang out, hype each other up, play around with Squarespace, and eat snacks?,” it went viral. Why yes, yes I want to do that. She was hitting on a specific, relevant need that people hadn’t necessarily thought of themselves until she articulated it — but then realized they shared. Gathering well is the deeply generous act of noticing a real need in a community and creating just the right container to help meet it.

2. Be curious about people’s resistance. (It’s data.)

When Sonia’s husband became a U.S. citizen, she wanted to throw a party for him, but he was reluctant. “In general, he does not like to be the center of attention,” she told me. But as she really listened, she realized that he wasn’t saying “no party.” He was saying, “I don’t want all the attention on me.” Instead of getting defensive or bulldozing through, Sonia took in her husband’s caveat, and used it as inspiration. She invited their community to a costume party with the prompt: “Dress as your favorite American person or thing.” Guests showed up as Elvis, the Statue of Liberty, Rosie the Riveter and even Impeachment. Though the purpose was clear, the hilarious costumes spread the limelight and seeded inherent conversation for the evening across everyone.

3. Practice call and response.

If you want to know people are with you, give them an opportunity to show it. I was once at an awards ceremony where the musician Jon Batiste was invited to perform. After playing a piano solo, he then turned to the room, and asked everyone to pick up their forks. Surprised, they obliged. And then he told us to tap our glasses. He needed the room to help him set the beat for the next song. In less than thirty seconds, he turned a stiff, fancily-dressed audience into a drum line. And by picking up their forks, and setting the beat together, they were saying: we are here for this.

4. Share micro-power.

Many managers I know struggle with their weekly team meetings. Their direct reports are often checked out. “It can feel like pulling teeth to get people to engage,” I often hear. My friend Marcella runs a tutoring company, and completely changed the dynamic of her weekly all-hands by making one move: she started each meeting with a question to connect the group. But, she wouldn’t ask the question herself. Her staff would take turns “holding” the opening moment, choosing the question, and running those five minutes. It completely shifted her meetings. Each week, one person was now invested in making that part go well. And everyone else was paying more attention to see how their colleague did. (She was also building leadership skills live and in the room.)

5. Solve for substantive fears, manage the jitters – and know the difference.

I was once designing a retreat for 150 consultants. We’d spent six months planning every detail. A week before, a senior team member called me and said, “I’m worried about a certain dynamic. I’m realizing there are about 20 senior consultants who’ve basically already had this training, and I think they’re going to check out. If they seem bored, it’s gonna spread.” I could have said, “You’re over-reacting, they'll be fine.” But, I knew this guy to be discerning. So we invited those 20 consultants to a last-minute Zoom, shared the plan for the entire three days, and asked if they’d be willing to play a specific role: to be our lighthouses. We asked them to observe, reflect and help us course-correct in real time, and be the elders of the group. They felt seen and respected and rightfully, though subtly, elevated. Those 20 went from the ones this was “least for” to the ones helping us fulfill the gathering’s purpose.

***

If every gathering is a temporary social contract, make sure you’re actually setting up a social contract people understand and want to be a part of. And yes, even (especially?!) for dance parties and raves and delightful, silly occasions. Getting buy-in is ensuring that people know their roles and want to play them. Because when they do, the gathering will take a life of its own.

As always,

Priya

P.S. Keep an eye out for some changes in the coming weeks. I’m ready for this here ye newsletter to take on a different shape, and I can’t wait to share it with you. 😉

I sat down with NPR’s Life Kit to discuss one of the great unlocks of a gathering: Magical Questions.

Listen here

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